WHY
CAN’T EVERYONE AROUND HERE BE MORE LIKE ME?
Do you think your workplace would benefit from being staffed by clones
of yourself? Would that solve all the little issues that annoy,
irritate or upset you often? Really? Well, who would do the things
you do not like to do? Who would make you think? Who would give you a
new perspective? Who would challenge you to expand your thinking…and
your compassion?
Learning to value our differences is a major psychological hurdle to
get over. It seems that no matter where you look, people are in
conflict, even at war, because their beliefs are different, their roots
are different, or their history is different. In the workplace,
it may be because their approach, background or style is different. The
problem only occurs, of course, when either party makes an assumption:
an assumption that being different means one side is important or right,
and the other is secondary or wrong! Of course, you wouldn’t feel
that way…would you?
Sure, some differences are very troubling. If you are working
or living with a person who hears voices telling them to hurt others,
this is an unacceptable difference. It is clear that help is required. These
are not differences to be overlooked, but rather, to be carefully monitored
and brought to the attention of those in charge of safety and well-being!
Most differences, however, are just as irritating as we decide to let
them be. That's where your power lies. When we are feeling small
and insignificant, everything seems bigger, bolder and dominant. That,
then, is an internal problem. We are each in charge of our own self-esteem.
No one is doing anything to us in that department unless we let them.
And, why would we?
Well-honed people skills give us the competence, the comfort and the
confidence to speak up and teach people how to treat us. With patience
and consistency, even the grumpiest, most miserable and “bossiest “ person
can be tamed…to a degree. You become a Rhino Wrestler to do your
best with the savage behavior of some rhinos. That’s your part
of the equation. It is imperative to begin with ourselves. Get out the
mirror and begin there.
Everyone of us is someone’s idea of a “rhino” at
some time. We don’t like to think so because we prefer to think
that all our behavior is justified. That’s our first mistake! Recently,
I was working with an executive I am coaching and he said to me:
... continued below from the Rhino Wrestler...
“I don’t
usually do this but this guy came into my office and his behavior was
simply unacceptable—the way he spoke, the look on his face, his
aggressive nature. I sure put him in his place. I yelled at him, swore
and kicked him out of my office.”
I was very interested at this point and asked:
“So,
you’re a person who yells, swears and kicks people around, are
you?”
He quickly answered with a great deal of righteous indignation:
“No,
I’m not, but that guy just made me so mad. He had no right to
behave that way!”
“Well,
you must be a man who yells, swears and kicks people around because
that is what you did. In my books, the truth is what you do.”
My client took quite some while to calm down and examine the truth of
his behavior. He certainly did not want it to be true that that was who
he is, however, that’s what his behavior demonstrated. There is
no way to separate those two things, no matter how much we would like
to.
You cannot justify your behavioral choices in terms of reacting to the
behavior of others. You are the chooser of your own thoughts, words and
actions. That is basic and absolutely true.
Any way you look at it, we usually like people who are like ourselves.
We are more comfortable with them and more accepting of their little
quirks and slips. We tend to clan together with those who share
our interests, world views, political attitudes and general outlooks
on life, don't we? That's natural. BUT, that does not make the
other folks wrong!
In the workplace, there is real value in differences. This is particularly
true when working on a project. Differing points of view, managed with
excellent communication skills and a healthy respect for one another,
often lead to greater creativity. Folks with different skills and
interests can separate a project out into reasonable parts and do an
excellent job of the finished product. If the group were comprised
of all folks who thought alike, would there be such a likelihood of creativity?
Seek to understand the folks around you. That's the important
part. You may not be ready to value them, but, always respect them. They
have a right to be who they are. Do make the effort to understand where
they look at the world from. Don't guess, though, ask and listen.
The psychologist, Carl Jung, suggested that the notion of being understood
really means to be embraced, to be interpreted correctly. Do you
take the time to understand those folks you feel are quite different
from you? Do you demonstrate interest? Do you truly listen? Do
you listen with an open mind and a willingness to understand? It's
a good idea to do that if you're working with them. It shortcuts the
journey to understanding and valuing.
Take the time to be interested in those you work with. Don’t get
your exercise jumping to conclusions!
P.S. One effective way to learn about yourself, others and good team
development is to use the Core Values Profile. Learn more about
it for yourself and your workplace at www.CoreValuesProfile.com
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is an integration catalyst helping businesses prosper
and people flourish. She will lead you to optimize the life of your enterprise
and the enterprise of your life. A ‘people skills’ expert—a
noted speaker, author, executive coach--and founder of the Optimize!
Institute in Escondido, CA, Dr. Shaler works with organizations that
know their people are their top resource and with leaders who know that
building relationships is a top priority. She is the author of Wrestling
Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work as well as more
than a dozen books and audio programs. Introduce yourself well with her
free eBook at www.Effective-Elevator-Speech.com.
Receive her monthly ezine, The Rhino Wrestler at www.OptimizeInstitute.com
This article may be reprinted or republished if the complete copyright/resource
information is kept intact. For a formatted version for print, email info@optimizeinstitute.com
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