HOW
CAN YOU BE THAT MISERABLE SO EARLY IN THE MORNING?
It was 5:30 AM. My home office phone rang and I startled awake.
It was someone I considered a colleague and I gently reminded him
that, although it was a respectable 8:30 AM where he was, it was
some absurd time for waking where I live. He failed to respond in
any generous manner and I realized he had his knickers in a knot.
Was I expecting a torrent of abuse at 5:30 AM? No, not then, nor
any other time, for that matter. However, it flew at me.
“I sent your assistant the information ten days ago. I
was very generous to send it at all and certainly gave you much
more than you gave me. What’s he playing at? What is he trying
to get away with? I think he is shockingly dishonest. He has not
done what he said he would do. What are you trying to pull? I’m
shocked.” And on and on it went in the way of a person
who has no people skills.
I asked him to slow down and to consider the sequence of events.
We had sent him our part of the project two months prior and had
waited patiently for him to do what he promised. He did not do it,
so, I wrote and asked when we could expect it…after waiting
for seven weeks for him to do his part.
Oh, no, he would not hear that that had any bearing on his upset
today. He had responded last week and why had we not complied.
I told him that incendiary language of blame, anger, upset and irritation
was not going to help us solve this issue. He repeated his pain.
Finally, I told him to stop. I would look into the issue and find
the facts. When he was ready to discuss facts, we could talk again.
I also told him that extracting ‘dishonesty’ and ‘trying
to get away with something’ as descriptors of our interaction
was extreme. Big surprise! He repeated his libelous language and
added a threat,
“If you do not handle this today, I will call all our
colleagues and tell them all kinds of terrible things.” Now,
there is gross immaturity! Yet, I once again quietly said,
“Let me check this out: I sent you the information you wanted
immediately you asked. Correct?"
“Yes, but it was not as much as I was expecting.”
“Ah, so when you received it, you felt how?”
“I felt like I had over-promised when I made the deal
with you and I felt like I was giving much more than you gave me.”
I said, “I told you that I would share all that I had. Do
you remember that?”
“Yes, but it was not enough.”
“So, this call is the result of choosing to be upset and angry
rather than call and tell me what your concerns were? Am I right?” No
response.
“And the result of doing that was you kept postponing doing
your part because you were angry, so that almost two months passed.
When I then asked you for your part of the project ten days ago in
an email, you then sent your information to my assistant and made
arrangements with him to complete the task. Am I right so far?”
No response. By this point, it became clear to me that anything
like taking ownership for his part in the problem was simply not
going to happen. This is very difficult for most people. They want
to be heard. They want to be sure you know that they are upset. Further,
they want to be able to blame someone else for it. Owning their part
in the issue does not seem, to them, to take their pain away. It
seems to make it worse, so, they hold on to their anger. He did that.
Again, he began to harp on the demands to have the project completed
on that very day and that my assistant was not working hard enough,
nor fast enough for his liking and that this was his definition of
dishonesty. The man was definitely not interested in forests or trees.
He was focused on making me and my assistant wrong.
Have you ever experienced something like this? Most people have.
Did you feel equipped to deal with the conflict, the anger and the
confrontation? It is important to have these skills, to know the
strategies that will bring about a preferably collaborative, positive
result for both people.
So, back to ‘the guy’…
“What I want to know is how can you employ someone who
doesn’t do what he says he will do?”
“OK, then,” I said, “let’s talk about that
part. When you discussed this with my assistant did you put any timelines
on it ? Did you specify a day it was agreed it would be done by?”
Reluctantly, he said, “No but I was sure he would do it
right away.”
“What made you so sure?”
“Well, you sent me an email asking for it to be done so
I thought you would make sure it got done.”
“Did you have a conversation with me at any time or did you
answer my email requesting you do to your part?”
Now, the rubber was hitting the road!
“Well, no. After all, he’s your assistant and you
wanted it done.”
“How was I to know that you had talked with my assistant?
How would I know what you said? How would I know what was promised?
You did not include me in the conversation, yet, you are calling
me in the middle of the night angry, upset and threatening me. This
is unacceptable. Do not say another thing. I will talk with my assistant
and find out what is happening and get back to you.” He sullenly
said,
“OK, I won’t say anything further.” And
he hung up.
It would have been very easy to yell at this guy. It’s 5:30
AM for heaven’s sake. He did not even have the good grace to
apologize for that thoughtlessness!
It would have been very easy to pick on the part of his conversation
that would make me right. You know,
“Listen, Bud. You didn’t do your part in seven weeks
and you’re yelling at me because someone else did not do it
in ten days? What are you thinking?”….or worse.
The important thing to me, though, was to find out what the real
issue was and solve it. I don’t have time for people’s
petty behaviors and fervent needs to make others’ wrong. That
is a self-esteem issue that they can keep! I want solutions. Don’t
you? And, preferably, calm, factual solutions, at that!
The issue was solved. I received an email that actually made me
smile. Imagine someone so unable and unwilling to be wrong that it
began with “…no one should be awakened at 5:30 AM.” Can
you imagine what grave difficulty this person is in that he could
not even admit he made that mistake? That’s just sad!
Conflict management skills are learned. Very few folks grew up in
households and communities where difficulties were handled well.
I wrote ‘Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds
of Work’ to give everyone the skills they need to feel confident
in situations like the one above. You can get your copy at www.OptimizeInstitute.com .
Don’t go into the wilds of work feeling lost in the jungle.
Get these skills now.
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD All rights reserved.
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler solves 'people problems' at work by making it easier to
talk about difficult things. Dr. Shaler speaks to, trains and coaches executives
and entrepreneurs worldwide in the communication skills essential to creating
powerful conversations that reduce conflict & anger, build trust, and streamline
negotiation. She is the founder of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA. www.OptimizeInstitute.com
This article may be reprinted or republished
if the complete copyright/resource information is kept in tact. For
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