SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

© Rhoberta Shaler
www.OptimizeInstitute.com

We have great expressions for not saying what we mean. We are “beating around the bush”. She “tells little white lies”. He’s “hedging”. They are “shilly-shallying”. What causes us to shy away from saying what we mean? From telling the truth even when it’s tough? Lack of confidence, clarity and competence.

The easiest thing to do is to acquire the competence. Communication skills are learned as are conflict management skills. We start picking these up long before we have language by watching our families. We pick up tone of voice. We notice how sounds and facial expressions go together. Then, we add body posture. Even babies know who to trust. They add up the face, body and voice and conclude that you’re OK or not.

Not much changes as we age. We still have those skills except that we start second-guessing ourselves and fail to pay attention to what our senses tell us sometimes. We start believing what we want to believe rather than listening to the message on all levels. If that were not so, we would not buy things from people who make the hair on the back of our necks stand up. You would not believe that he really loves you even though he regularly abuses you. You would believe the message of the senses rather than talk yourself into believing what you want to believe.

That’s all about trust. When I am teaching my ‘How to Make an Entrance & Work a Room’ program, I talk about what happens in the networking situation when you meet new people. This is no time for posturing and pretending. This is a time for sending a congruent message. BE WHO YOU ARE!

Why do I make this point so strongly? We know that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. In a first meeting, you want to be yourself. Of course, put your best foot forward but make sure that you can back it up with all the other steps you are likely to take with that foot for a long time. Nothing is more disappointing than to meet someone you believe you want to do business with or date and find that, on the second meeting, they have morphed into someone else. And, someone that causes you to wonder ‘What was I thinking?” Be who you are. Be congruent. Be sure your tone of voice, facial expression, body posture, words and actions match—all the time. That makes you trustworthy.

Learn the communication skills to express yourself authentically. Take some classes. Ask for feedback from people you trust. In my teleseminars, I have many classes that will help you examine your communication and learn new skills and strategies…right on the telephone. So, it’s easy to get the training. There’s no excuse.

Clarity is essential. You have to know what you want to say. That means you have to know what you think and feel. This requires honesty with yourself.

You’ve likely had the experience of spinning out a situation well past is due date. The longer you spin it out, the worse things get. Many folks do this in relationships that should have ended long ago. But, ‘I don’t want to hurt his or her feelings!” Nonsense. They simply don’t want to say what they mean! They have not learned nor practiced the skills of honest communication. They are not competent, clear or confident in their own truth nor comfortable with the delivery.

Life gets much simpler when you say what you mean and tell the tough truth. Get on it!

Expert facilitator, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, makes it easier to talk about difficult things. As an international speaker, facilitator, author and coach, she works with organizations, executives & entrepreneurs who want to master the ‘people skills’ that grease the wheels of business & life. Visit her website for ezines, teleseminars, books & CDs, free articles, online community, and a half-hour free coaching consultation. www.OptimizeInstitute.com