What is YOUR relationship based on?

COMMENT: Relationships are supposed to be based on good things: trust, honesty, intimacy, love, respect, support, passion, safety, flexibility, encouragement and compatibility (among many others). All too often, relationships I have seen, or been in, are missing one, some or many of those elements. Ok, there are trade-offs in all situations, and perhaps you are content with the trade-off you're getting - BUT ARE YOU HAPPY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?? I am convinced that if a relationship does not involve fundamental happiness for both partners, then there is some form of abuse happening. It might be viewed as "mild" - he only calls me names sometimes. It might be viewed as a "personality flaw" - she only screams and throws things because she's Irish. It might be viewed as "mom's fault" - his mother didn't love him enough so he hits me when he gets angry. It might be viewed as "job dissatisfaction" - she hates her boss so going out every night after work - without me - is her way of winding down. Whatever spin you wanna put on it - it's abusive to treat your partner that way.

RELATIVE EXPERIENCE: My marriage was based on manipulation and control rather than trust and honesty. That's why it doesn't exist anymore. My husband was extraordinarily insecure and had many, many challenges in his efforts to deal with being married to the likes of me. I am generally outgoing, a bit of a flirt, a hard worker and basically well-liked. He was attracted to those things. Problem was: they threatened him too! He was constantly suggesting that I wanted to be with anyone in the world except him... accusing me of wanting to have an affair with numerous of his friends, men I'd seen in the rearview mirror, waiters at restaurants, my boss... it never ended...

SUGGESTIONS: If you find the good things missing, but you think you really love your partner, seek professional help together. Maybe there was an event that happened between you that one of you hasn't completely resolved, which is subconsciously sabotaging you. Maybe you just need some lessons in effective communication. On the other hand, maybe you need to move out. It's a tough call. You have to take a very careful and close look at yourself. Never mind your partner. Look at you - have you become someone different? someone you don't recognize? someone you don't like to be? You could seek counselling on your own. Discuss your fears about your relationship with someone who doesn't know your situation. Sometimes they can see things that you can't, because it's "new" to them. Getting help to determine what your relationship is based on could save your life - figuratively AND literally.

Contributor's note... when I ask "does he?" or "when he..." or anything else that sounds gender specific, it's just cause I am female... I am very aware that abuse goes both ways, and if you are male and reading this please think about your own situation... there are lots of psycho women out there...

IMPORTANT:

Stories told here are by our visitors. Comments, suggestions and other content is also contributed by visitors. This area is not intended to provide a substitute for professional help when you need it. If you are experiencing trauma or abuse in your relationships, seek a counsellor, the police, a shelter, friends and other sources of support.