Making it out the other side...

COMMENT: Depression is a very difficult illness to cope with - even when you're not the one who's depressed. My partner became depressed - deeply depressed - about a year after we got together. The depression lasted almost 5 years. I came very very close to leaving him a number of times, but there was just something about him that stopped me. The memory of the man I fell in love with, I guess. I knew he was in there still, somewhere. And that man was one whom was unmatched in all my previous relationships - long or short.

The depression era was extremely difficult. He became abusive and degrading. He would accuse me of all kinds of horrible acts that simply were his imagination - they came from his changed state of not thinking he was worthy of me... I stopped going out, I stopped seeing friends, I barely even went grocery shopping. It was "safer" to let him do those things, because I never "did them right" or i was "looking for someone new" or whatever... it became a bit of a joke to me, because I had already been thru this once before with the man I'd married previously. But somehow, this was different.

His depression was caused by a number of incidents... he'd endured numerous family deaths over a short time, had chosen to move home from abroad which meant also leaving his children behind with their mother, had no work, no money, failing health and felt incapable of being "a man" anymore. He had always prided himself on his strength - of both character and body. His body was starting to fail him, and he also sustained a couple injuries that contributed to that feeling. He felt emotionally weak because he continually raked himself over the coals for "leaving his kids" behind. (even tho they still spoke & emailed regularly). Then his best friend died suddenly. And 9/11 happened. And on and on... he had good reason to be depressed.

But that was not what I bargained for in this relationship.

I counted on the strong, intelligent, witty, creative, inventive, resourceful, loving, handsome man that I'd decided to be in a lifelong relationship with. Decided to commit my own child to. Decided to move away from everything to start a new life with...

On the upside, he RECOGNIZED his depression. Eventually. It took about 2 years before he finally decided to seek some help. Likely after one of our many many loud arguments that started over something trivial. Or maybe after one of the times I said I could not take it anymore and if he didn't get some help i was going back to the city.

He started a course of anti-depressants. They didn't help. They just made him angry all the time. So he tried a new one. That didn't help either. They made him less angry but they made his body hurt more. Finally, the 3rd or 4th type he tried - this is another year down the road - he found one that helped him feel normal again. About that same time, he got an unexpected and FREE opportunity to go back and see his kids for a few months. Of course I said YES to that - both for the healing it would bring, and just for the BREAK from him for a while.

That was the best thing that happened to us.

He got to reconnect with his kids... this made all the difference in the world. I got to reconnect with myself, which gave me a renewed strength and desire to keep trying.

When he came home 4 months later, he was the man I fell in love with again.

At least, more or less... it's been a long road back. There were many hurts that we've both had to find a way over, a way to forgive... and some of them are still not healed. But we're working on it.

I am happy that I didn't leave. Grateful that I got my "man" back. Proud that I was able to withstand the challenge of depression and come out the other side. Surprised that I didn't end up depressed myself (well, at least not for long, i think i did go thru a few short bouts of it). Thankful for friends and family who helped us both get thru it and stuck by us all the way. Indebted to the friends who managed the free trip that changed it all. And looking forward to our continued growth & expansion together.

IMPORTANT:

Stories told here are by our visitors. Comments, suggestions and other content is also contributed by visitors. This area is not intended to provide a substitute for professional help when you need it. If you are experiencing trauma or abuse in your relationships, seek a counsellor, the police, a shelter, friends and other sources of support.